Not Much Has Changed, Yet Everything Has

For some reason I'm very nostalgic about my big boys' upcoming birthday this year. This is a post I wrote nine years ago...They didn't listen to me then, and I am sure that their hearing has become even more selective as they've grown. It's been a wonderful, scary, humbling, exciting ride so far...Here's to the next nine!!

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Dear Babies A & B

Dear babies,

We love you very much. You are already loved by many, and a blessing to your mommy and daddy. We have enjoyed getting to watch you grow inside via ultrasound pics and feel you moving around in there. We like that you "play" with us when we poke at you, and that you listen to us reading to you every night.

We are so thankful that you are healthy, that all your parts are being formed perfectly, and that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. We're glad to still feel you move in there. Every day. And every night. And in the afternoon. And waking me up in the middle of the night.

If you want to be very good babies, you will listen to Mommy now. It's time to move on. I know you're comfy in there, and still turn yourselves into all sorts of positions, but it's time to leave. Mommy's ribs can't take it anymore. Nor can her bladder. And her tummy is now measuring what a 'singleton' pregnancy would be considered as 6 weeks overdue! That's just wrong.

Mommy can't sit forward, lay on her side, sit up, or lay down very long. She can't drive, run, walk, skip, or jump (without looking foolish, anyway). Mommy knows that she's taking care of you inside, but please give her a chance to take care of you on the outside. Daddy wants to hold you, too. Give him a chance to take care of you. We promise that we'll do our best to be good parents to you. Grandma is beside herself waiting for you - she just wants to hold and cuddle and spoil you. Grandpa has offered to buy you ponies. Don't you want a pony??? You just have to COME OUT!

So, as loving parents, our first official act is to serve your eviction notice. If you don't come out, we will come in after you. Remember, we're doing this because we love you. Please don't make us do this the hard way. It really will hurt Mommy more than it will hurt you.

Come out and play with us soon. We love you very much - more than you can know!

Love,
Mommy and Daddy

When I Became a Mom

Nine years ago this was me:

 

And this was me with my husband:

 

 

These pictures were taken a few days before the arrival of our twins. I look back at these now and a few thoughts run through my mind. First, we both look way younger than we do now...is it kids or time that aged us? Second, I can't even stand up normally - if you notice I have a good balancing stance going on in both pictures. Third, my belly was HUGE! Now I laugh looking at my husband standing behind me and not being able to get his arms around me. That's some funny stuff.

By most people's standards we weren't considered officially 'Mom and Dad' when these moments were captured. I hear a lot of people refer to the day that their child was born (or in our case, children) as the day they became a parent. This has always bothered me. You see, I started being a mom and caring for those two babies long before they came out into the world.

Like most pregnant women in my circles of influence, I started preparing for these two before I even got pregnant. I weaned myself off of caffeine, didn't drink any alcohol (not that I drank a lot before), and started taking care of my body to prepare for pregnancy. After I found out I was pregnant I continued to watch my diet, went to pre-natal appointments, took some NASTY pre-natal vitamins that made me sick every time, and started to mentally prepare for having babies.

Back then I was working full-time as a nurse. I worked four 10-hour shifts a week. I pushed carts and beds through hospital hallways, was on my feet, and barely took any breaks. As my babies and belly grew exponentially, I realized that I couldn't keep up the pace. It wasn't because I couldn't physically handle it, but it was because my body couldn't sustain the babies in a healthy way. As my mom told me, nobody else was looking out for those babies. I ended up quitting work somewhere around my 6th month of pregnancy. I was already Mom, taking care of my babies and doing everything I could to help them grow.

I've heard it said that God sent Jesus to die for me before I was born, paid for my sins before I committed them. This always seemed like a little bit of a strange thing to take in. Of course He did, because I wasn't born yet and in the scheme of time that's just when it happened. As I was thinking of when it was that I 'became' a parent, I realized that those two things were so similar. I didn't know my kids when I was preparing to be a mom, but I did everything I could to help them come out 'right'. I loved them before they were born, I loved the idea of them before they were conceived. When God planned to save me from my sins, I wasn't born, but He knew me. He knew that I was going to exist, He loved me already, and He wanted the best for me. He did everything He could to ensure that I had a future with Him.

My sacrifices as a parent are nowhere close to what He sacrificed for me, and my love for my kids is nowhere near His love for us. However, I am in awe that the Creator of the Universe loves me like that, and gives me little ways to understand Him better.

"But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8 (NASB)

Be Strong and Courageous

The first thing that I remember doing that took courage was my second roller coaster ride. Yes, you read that right – my second roller coaster ride. The first roller coaster ride wasn’t too hard. I remember it was one of those little ones at the county fair that just goes in a big oval and up and down around the curve. I got on the ride with my big sister, and about thirty seconds later my sister is waving down the operator and making him stop to let me get off the ride, a crying mess. There was nothing brave about that! That experience shaped my whole view of roller coasters. Fast forward five years or so, and I’m at Disney World with my family. My dad convinced me to go on one of the roller coasters there (Big Thunder Mountain Railroad). I still remember standing in line, shaking, and looking to him for reassurance and comfort before we even got on. As we approached the front of the line I remember thinking there was still time to get out. I could step into that train car, take two steps and step right off onto the exit side. But I didn’t. I stepped in, sat down, pulled that bar down across my legs and my dad’s belly, wondering if it was actually going to keep me from flying out, and held on for dear life. The result: It was EXHILARATING! I absolutely loved it!

My parents took our family to Disneyland a couple of years ago and I found myself in that same situation with each of my kids. My son Josiah decided on one roller coaster that he wanted to go on, and my youngest son, Elijah, did as well. Elijah’s first roller coaster was Go-Go Gadget and as afraid as he was, he followed in his mother’s footsteps. There was one difference – we got to the front of the line and we ended up in the very front car! My sweet boy tried to put on the bravest face he could in that moment and I am guessing the thoughts running through his head were similar to mine on my second roller coaster ride.  The ride started and E loved it! He got off and wanted to go again (but tomorrow, not right away). The next time we went on the ride, I captured another photo. Here are the two next to each other:

 

Wrapped up in these two pictures are the things that I consider significant moments in my ‘courage’ book. First, riding a roller coaster, and second becoming a parent (that's another post for another day).

 

Joshua 1:9 is a popular verse. It is God talking to Joshua as he's preparing to take over Moses' role as leader of Israel. God tells Joshua to "be strong and courageous." If you read the story from the beginning, this is actually the third time that he commands this of Joshua. At first I wondered why Joshua needed to be told to be strong and courageous. He had been there with Moses through so many things and saw God do amazing works. He also saw the people rebel against God, Moses obey and then disobey, and the discipline of God. Yes, there were plenty of reasons for him to be strong and courageous.

 

Joshua's book (literally, he has a book in the Bible) of strength and courage has spoken to me in a big way over the past month or so. I have been reading and reflecting and wrestling with some questions in my own life. This week I made a decision that I didn't see coming - to leave a ministry that I was called to, love, and have been a part of from its inception. I am no Joshua, but I can relate to him in a new way. He had seen God perform miracles, saw it happen firsthand, and yet he needed God to command him (and remind him and then tell him again) to be strong and courageous. What I've learned is that following God in faith is a strong and courageous thing to do. One decision, one seemingly small-in-the-scheme-of-creation "no" to myself and "yes" to God when I have no idea what is in store is my own strong and courageous action.

Being strong and courageous isn't always about the big battles in life, but it is the small acts of obedience to God.

Growing Pains, a.k.a. Hard, but Good

No, I'm not talking about the 80's show Growing Pains (which was one of my favorites) where a life-altering problem could be introduced, worked through, and solved in 30 minutes. I'm talking about real life - my real life. The past few weeks have been 'hard, but good.' I remember back in the 90's when this seemed to be a catch-phrase among my friends. Eventually it almost turned into a joke - we knew that God was growing us and that was good, but it was not easy. We may have said it jokingly, but knew that it was true.

I don't know about you, but I don't love those 'hard, but good' or 'growing pains' times. In fact, I tend to run from conflict, confrontation, or anything that may come out as remotely negative. Fortunately, God did not design life to be easy or fun all the time. He wants more for us than the superficial, so we go through growing times that aren't always easy.

As I mentioned before, the catalyst for my writing my thoughts in this blog was doing "The Best Yes" study by Lysa Terkeurst. Can I just tell you that I have learned so much through it? It has brought me back to my foundation, and God has revealed to me different things in my own life that He has for me through the past couple of months. I believe that I was in the middle of this study when I was also in the middle of a major decision-making, growing pain-full, hard, but good time for a reason. I have been praying, crying, reading, seeking wisdom, processing, wrestling with my emotions and seeking God for answers. As I told a friend, this situation has me so upset that I can't sleep or eat - two of my very favorite things in the world to do! On the last video session of the study, Lysa says, "Making wise decisions in the midst of trying times can lead to a much bigger Best Yes around the corner - a yes that will become part of your legacy."

I've had a peace about the situation and about the end result since before it came to a breaking point. I know that God is bigger than me, bigger than this situation, and will work for all things for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). I still don't have a clear answer, or maybe I do, but my heart and feelings are clouding it. I know that God has shown me that I love writing and don't do it enough. I know that He has shown me that I have gifts that are different from the ones that I'm using in my current situation. Now, do I believe that in this trying time saying no is a Best Yes decision and that He will lead me to something much bigger? I suppose I'm learning first-hand what a step of faith is all about.

Though I haven't made a final decision about this specific situation, I know that this hard-but-good time is for a reason. For now I'll keep listening to Him and trust in His Best Yes for me.

I'm My Own Worst Critic

I love to read. As a kid I would read when I was supposed to be doing chores or fall asleep with a book in my hand (sometimes at 1 a.m. on a school night). I didn't only read, but I escaped into books. Somewhere around college when I had to start studying, I gave up reading for fun. It wasn't intentional, it just happened. Post-college and pre-marriage I picked it up again, and probably just as bad. Then I had kids - twins, in fact. When that happened the only things I did had to do with them...feeding them, cleaning them, cleaning up after them, and sleeping. Well, all my kids are now getting more independent and I have rekindled my romance with books. I have reverted back to reading when I should be doing my chores, when I should be cooking, and even late into the night (2 a.m. two nights ago, which is why this post may be disjointed).

The book I was reading two nights ago was recommended to me by a couple of friends. It wasn't the best book ever, but good enough for me to keep going and pacify the reading monster in my soul. There were a few problems with the book (I couldn't get a good feel for the main character as she was thrown into an experience that was out of her norm, so nothing baseline was truly established, it was all her reactions; some of the supporting characters were annoying; the story was far-fetched, but the reactions to the situation were even more so). The main issue I had with the book was BAD EDITING! I don't know about you (whoever you are that is reading this), but bad editing will trip me up every time. I told my husband that I seriously considered writing to the author and offering up editing services at a reduced rate just so it wouldn't be so painful to read.

Maybe it's just my personality, but I couldn't get past it. There were quotation marks missing, commas in the wrong places, incorrectly used words, and even character names that got switched up. I finished the book, but don't know if I'll read the sequels, because it was just that bad to me.

I'm sure there's a life lesson in that story, but I'm not sure of what it is. At this moment it's don't stay up until 2 a.m. reading because you'll be exhausted for the next two days and end up writing rambling blog entries. I'm also sure that in confessing my pickiness about editing I've made some kind of horrible writing or editing error in this post that may be unforgiveable.

I will leave you with this. My weakness is reading. Once I start a book I almost always have to finish it. My life is not perfect. I wish I had an editor in life to fix all those details and clean up the extra commas. Nobody's life is perfect, and please forgive me if I judge yours unfairly. Feel free to remind me that regardless of the imperfections, we all have stories to live out and to finish. It may look like a mess, but I need help focusing on my own main purpose and story, and not getting annoyed with the imperfections. Those things are what make it life.

The Answer is Yes

It was just another ordinary Monday. Kids were dropped off to school, snacks for small group were prepared, shopping at Costco was finished (not put away, but at least in the house). I decided that I should take a few of the precious minutes I had and sit down to start the Bible Study assignment that I had gotten over a week ago. You see, our group is a group of women similar to me - moms and wives with busy schedules and chaotic lives. We share a love of God, of reading, and of learning. We have decided to meet every other week so that we can let the lessons sink in, apply them to our lives, or in my case, have one week to procrastinate and one week to actually do.

As I sat down on my couch, I reviewed the workbook and session notes from the previous meeting, filled in some blanks, and started reading chapters in the book, just like the workbook said to do. Chapter One - check. Chapter Two - check. Chapter Three - WHOA! The study we chose is "The Best Yes" by Lysa TerKeurst. Chapter Three is "Overwhelmed Schedule, Underwhelmed Soul." I started reading...and promptly fell asleep. Now, to be clear, this had NOTHING to do with the writing or content. It did, however, have everything to do with that chapter title being true in my life.

I woke up to the alarm telling me it was time to think about getting my kids. I turned it off, sat back on the couch and woke up at exactly 1:30. 1:30 happens to be the time that I'm supposed to be at my youngest son's preschool to pick him up. On Mondays when my husband is working, I need to be there at precisely 1:30 so I can be on time to pick up my two older boys who have early dismissal 15 minutes later. Needless to say, I was not on time for either of these things.

After I retrieved my kids (none of whom were upset with me, just wondered why I was the last parent at pick up), I had to take a moment and laugh at the irony of it all. "Overwhelmed Schedule, Underwhelmed Soul," while it may not be a question, for me the answer is still YES.

Today is Wednesday and I finished the chapter, as well as the first part of the workbook session. I found so much truth in the words of those chapters (because the real-life experience wasn't enough for me). I have known for a while that it is time to make a change, but I wasn't sure what it was or how.

This is my first step. There's always stuff rolling around in my head, and sometimes I wonder if it's worth sharing. Sometimes I think I should write it down (type it out) just because I can. Lysa encourages her reader to think about what she would do if she had more time, where her passions are, and who it would bless. Since I love editing and always wanted to try writing, here it is. I don't know who this will bless. It may end up being my own kind of therapy. Maybe someone will think my life situations are as funny as I think they are. Maybe it will put a smile on someone's face or help them to see something in a new light.

Am I quirky? Do I have a weird sense of humor? Do I love God and want to move this imperfect soul one step closer to Him? Do I have an overwhelmed schedule and underwhelmed soul? Is it worth it? Is there really an abundant life for me like God says there is? Did God really give me three BOYS to raise? Is this my life? Am I going to make the most of it?

The answer is yes.